Struggle for Attention

The emotional core need I am means, at its heart, that we need to be seen — truly noticed — by the people around us (see I Am: Core Emotional Need). This concept becomes especially clear when we look at children. When children don’t feel seen, it can trigger a deep sense of unease. Their very sense of existence starts to feel fragile:
“If no one sees me, do I even exist?”
That’s why they’ll do whatever they can to get attention.

Example (see illustration below):
Lisa has spent the whole day at daycare. When she gets home, no one seems to have time for her. She’s flooded with a difficult feeling:
“Nobody sees me. Nobody needs me. I feel alone.” (see Point 1)

Her system kicks into gear. She starts whining, jumping in front of people, asking for things nonstop (see Point 2) — all in an effort to escape this heavy emotional state.

Now let’s move a level deeper, into the parents’ emotional world (yellow layer in the image). Imagine Lisa’s dad is busy with something. If Lisa keeps interrupting, his irritation builds (Point 3).

Depending on his mood and capacity, he might try to talk her down — or he might resort to threats: “If you don’t stop right now, then…” (Point 4)

Lisa interprets this as confirmation: she got a reaction. It may be negative, but at least it’s attention (Point 5). And just like that, the cycle repeats — back to Point 2. Only the adults can break this loop, by recognizing what’s really going on and choosing to respond differently.

When Someone Doesn’t Feel They Exist

When a child repeatedly fails in their efforts to get attention — when the ongoing message is “Leave me alone. Stop bothering me” — the child hears something deeper: “I don’t need you. I wish you weren’t here.”

The child learns a painful truth: “Just being here isn’t enough. I have to earn my right to exist.”

To cope, they begin developing survival strategies — ways to prove they matter:

• Desperate strategy: “More is more”
  The child gets louder, more demanding, more intense.

• Desperate strategy: “Negative attention”
  The child misbehaves, pushes back, provokes — because even angry attention is better than none.

• Desperate strategy: “Adaptation”
  The child becomes the perfect little helper — eager to please, desperate for praise. As adults, this can turn into perfectionism and people-pleasing.

• Fighter strategy: “Achievement”
  They define their worth through performance — in school, sports, or eventually in their career.

• Resigned strategy: “Illness”
  The child becomes physically or emotionally unwell, drawing attention through symptoms.

• Resigned strategy: “Disappearing”
  The child begins to believe there’s no place for them in the world. This may show up as withdrawal, apathy, depression, self-harm, eating disorders, or even suicidal thoughts. It can also lead to harmful behaviors like substance use or risky actions.

Each child finds their own way — depending on their temperament, sensitivity, and environment. And here’s the hard truth:
To a child, it doesn’t matter if the attention is positive or negative. What matters is being seen. That means survival.

That’s why some children will go to painful extremes.
They’ll take punishment, shouting, even physical pain — because that’s still better than the terrifying feeling of invisibility.
“I can handle being yelled at. But not being seen? That feels like death.”

“If my parents are able to simply enjoy my presence — just me sitting here, doing nothing — then I can begin to believe that I have a place on this planet. That I belong. And I don’t need to keep fighting just to exist.”

What’s Next?

If you’re wondering how much attention children really need — and how we can offer it in everyday moments — I explore that in Part 3:
How Much Attention Does My Child Really Need?