How much attention does my child need?
Anastasia Bestmann
How Much Attention Does a Child Really Need?
No matter how much attention we gave our child the day before, by morning, it's as if the tank is empty again. They wake up craving connection, eager to refill that emotional reservoir. It can feel endless—like a bottomless pit—as they constantly seek our gaze and affirmation. But for them, this attention is vital; it's their way of affirming, "I exist, and I matter."
Quantity: How Much Time Should We Spend?
There's no one-size-fits-all answer. Each child is unique, and so are their needs. However, dedicating several moments throughout the day solely to your child can make a significant difference. It's beneficial to spread these moments across the day, ensuring that during routine activities—like dressing, brushing teeth, or heading to daycare—we see and acknowledge the individual behind the tasks.
Quality: Being Truly Present
It's not just about being there; it's about how we're there. Do we only notice our child when they demand our attention, or do we also observe and appreciate them during quiet moments? Can we be present without projecting our expectations, simply accepting them as they are?
Often, by day's end, we have an intuitive sense of whether we've been sufficiently attentive. This gut feeling is crucial—it helps us discern between our child's genuine needs and habitual attention-seeking. While children will always desire more attention, it's essential to recognize when their needs have been met, allowing us to set healthy boundaries.
Overindulgence in attention can send unintended messages:
"The world revolves around you."
"I'll always drop everything for you."
"Your needs always come first."
Such messages can hinder a child's ability to navigate the world independently. It's about finding balance—being there for them, but also teaching them resilience and patience.
From my own day-to-day life, there are times when we only manage a few fleeting moments of genuine connection—without any proper one-on-one time. In my experience, the principle of “quality over quantity” usually holds true. Still, shared time shouldn't be missing too often. Without it, even the most meaningful moments can start to ring hollow. A child might quietly wonder, “You say you see me, and I know you care—but why don’t you want to spend time with me?”
When Does a Child Need More Attention?
Some children naturally seek more attention, while others might suppress their needs to avoid bothering others. Increased attention-seeking can stem from:
Insecurity or uncertainty
A desire for stability
Difficulty in self-awareness
Easily being distracted by external factors
Indecisiveness
Challenges in trusting others
Helping a Child Feel Seen and Valued
One tried-and-true approach is setting aside dedicated one-on-one time between parent and child. It doesn’t need to be elaborate — it can be spontaneous (“Let’s play!”) or intentionally framed (“This is our Mommy-and-Timo time”). To make the most of it, a few simple principles help:
Eliminate all distractions for at least 15 minutes — turn off your phone, close the door, and be fully there.
Let your child choose the activity — no exceptions.
Let them set the rules — no exceptions.
When the time is up (whether by the clock or when it feels complete), close it warmly: “High five, that was fun!”
This approach is simple, but powerful. It took me some time to make it a regular part of our rhythm — and here’s what I’ve learned along the way:
Remember, it's okay if these sessions aren't always perfect. The key is consistency and genuine engagement.
On point 1:
Even if we switch everything off—phones, distractions, background noise—our minds might still wander. Sometimes, we just can’t be fully present in the moment. And that’s okay. There will be other times throughout the day when we’re suddenly struck by the beauty of our child’s presence—those spontaneous moments when we're simply filled with joy that they exist, that they’re here, with us, alive. So don’t pressure yourself to show up perfectly at a set time. Instead, let those moments of presence find you throughout the day.
On point 2:
This kind of time together also meets a child’s deep need for autonomy. When we give them our undivided attention, it becomes an opportunity to meet many emotional needs at once: I exist. I’m capable. I’m loved. I am enough. Children need time to be with us—to talk and be heard, to make eye contact, to celebrate, laugh, connect, be seen, and to see us in return.
On point 3:
This is also about acceptance. The child gets to show up as they are—no need to perform or behave a certain way. There’s nothing to get “right.” They’re allowed to be exactly who they are in that moment. And yes, sometimes even when we create space to connect, the magic doesn’t come. The play doesn’t click. The mood is off. And it’s frustrating—“I set time aside, and now nothing’s working.”
Maybe we had a plan, but our child isn’t interested. Maybe they say, “You can’t play, just watch.”
That’s when it clicks: it’s not about the game. It’s about being seen. I felt such relief when I finally understood:
Giving attention can be that simple.
I don’t have to do anything. I can just watch.
And that’s more than enough. And if something playful unfolds from there—wonderful. Children are always giving us little cues: “Look, Mommy! Look!”
We can pause and ask ourselves: Have I really looked into my child’s eyes today?
There’s joy to be found simply in our child’s presence—not because they did anything special, but because they are. Like when they come home and climb the stairs—just stairs, just steps. And yet: how extraordinary. They’re here. Coming closer. Step by step. What a gift.
That moment deserves to be noticed. It deserves our quiet awe. A moment to say with our hearts: “I see you, therefore you are. You see me, therefore I am.”
This doesn’t mean the need to feel I am is greater than all others. It’s one of four essential emotional needs—and it matters deeply. We don’t need to prioritize it above the rest, but we also shouldn’t underestimate its importance.
P.S.
One more thought: we can turn one-on-one time around. Parents deserve to be seen, too. We teach it in little ways: "Timo, say goodbye properly, please."
And throughout the day, we can ask:
"I’m running on empty—can you help me recharge?" (Your child hugs you while you count to 100 like a charging battery.)
"I’m feeling a little sad. Can you give me some comfort?"
"I could really use a proper hug—will you give me one?"