Today I want to focus on a topic that leaves many people feeling frustrated:

“I don't understand why I can't just do the right thing – why do I often do exactly the opposite?”

This question matters deeply because every time we go against our own intentions, we chip away at our trust in ourselves. Over time, this can seriously undermine our self-worth.

Note: If you're looking for a quick fix full of tips and tricks for behavior change, this article probably isn't what you’re after. Instead of shortcuts, we’re taking a holistic, long-term approach. We’ll be entering through the back door of the psyche, diving straight into the deep end.

1. Why Behavior Doesn’t Change Under Pressure

The desire to change a certain behavior often comes with an old and harmful habit: self-criticism. The message sounds something like:

“I’m not good enough as I am — I need to change.”

But this mindset rarely leads to sustainable transformation. Instead of battling ourselves, we need to get curious: What’s actually happening inside me? Why does this behavior keep repeating?

2. Negative Behavior Reveals Inner Conflict

Behind many negative behavior patterns lies an unresolved internal conflict.

Example: You want to do something — but you don’t.
You want to hold back — but lash out.

Certain triggering situations expose the gap between what we think and how we act. These behaviors often emerge because inner contradictions haven’t been reconciled. This is where our self-deception lives.

3. Real-Life Example: Sports

A client wanted to start working out regularly. She had a gym membership — but barely went. As we talked, it became clear: group classes bored her. In the past, she had played volleyball — a team sport full of energy and team spirit.

No surprise (!!!) that going to the gym felt like a chore. Her inner resistance was simply a reaction to the lack of fun, competition, and social interaction. Her new goal didn’t align with her values.

4. Common Examples of Negative Patterns

• Eating when not hungry

• Social withdrawal — or craving constant attention

• Impulsive reactions and conflict-seeking

• Chronic lateness

• Impulsive shopping

• Controlling behavior toward a partner

• Scrolling endlessly on the phone

• Aggressive outbursts

These reactions often stem from bad habits, addictive behavior — but at their core, they reflect unresolved internal conflicts. We act out even when part of us doesn’t want to. Or we avoid something we deeply desire.

5. Why Discipline Alone Doesn’t Work

The phrase "I want to change but I can’t" points to resistance. A part of us doesn’t want to change. This part is often ignored or criticized — rather than listened to.

Techniques like reminders, external rewards, routines, and motivation can help — but only for a while. Real, lasting change requires an honest look at our core values and genuine desires.

What truly brings me joy?
Does this behavior reflect who I am?
What values am I violating when I act this way?

6. Recognizing and Breaking Behavior Patterns

Even after identifying an inner conflict, it takes time to change old behaviors. But it is possible, if we approach it with openness:

• I observe how I behave in specific situations.

• I acknowledge the negative effects — without judgment or self-criticism.

• I notice similar patterns in others and start to connect the dots.

• I see my old habits as part of my story — not as weaknesses, but as outdated survival strategies.

The goal isn’t immediate perfection. It’s to witness our old patterns with compassion and curiosity.

7. Building Honesty into Everyday Life

Let’s return to our earlier example. During a recent gym visit, the client asked herself honestly:

Am I enjoying this? Or would I rather be somewhere else?

Moments of honesty like this help shift our habits. The psyche is not working against us — it’s constantly pointing us toward what needs our attention. Negative thoughts and emotions are signals from unmet needs, crying out like an open wound.

8. Steps Toward Lasting Change

If you want to change a certain behavior, try this process:

• Name the behavior you want to change.

• Identify one or two typical triggering situations.

• Recognize the negative consequences.

• Name the inner values being violated.

• Visualize your desired behavior.

• Brainstorm how to make that behavior part of your daily life.

Whether you want to quit smoking, break free from emotional dependency, or let go of old habits — real change begins with awareness. Not discipline. Not pressure. But honest understanding of your needs.

This is not about self-optimization — it’s about self-honesty.

9. Honest Feedback from the Outside

It’s often hard to spot our own self-deceptions — especially when our patterns are well disguised. Sometimes it helps to write down your internal conflict and revisit it later with fresh eyes. Or talk with a trusted friend who will reflect back honestly and gently — even when it stings.

If you’ve been going in circles for a while and feel stuck in the same old patterns, consider reaching out. In a free initial consultation, we can take a closer look at what’s holding you back — and why it keeps returning.

You can book a session here — I look forward to meeting you.

Recommended Reading on Change

My favorite book about personal transformation is The Gadfly by Ethel Lilian Voynich.